Augusta 70.3 is one month away.
Last night, I took a UK-themed spin class at Ride Oakland. Sometimes I hold back on the resistance in spin but this time, I really brought it. At the end of an intense seated climb, I imagined myself pushing, pushing, pushing up one of the hills on the Augusta course. I had a realization as I pushed:
I don’t know if I can do this.
I truly do not know and in that moment, all my ambivalence made sense. I’ve never done anything so challenging and I’ve never felt less sure that I’m capable of completing the task.
I’m completing almost all of my workouts as though I’m still working toward that 70.3 mile “victory lap” but I’m not sure I see it happening. I don’t know if I can get through the swim. Everyone says “of course you can! It’s the easiest swim course! You could float a piece of paper down the river in 45 minutes!” I haven’t yet completed that full distance in the pool so those comments unfortunately feel demoralizing rather than comforting. I have absolutely no idea if I can do the ride. I think so? My legs are strong and I have certainly ridden for a long time but all on the trainer. There are so many question marks around the bike and so many regrets. The skills and confidence I needed to build over the last 5 months didn’t come easily and immediately so I procrastinated. Now I’m a month out and I still can’t eat or drink on the bike. I have no confidence climbing hills in real life, despite being able to push like a monster in spin. Oh and then 13.1 miles of “running” without music or distraction? After all that hard work? I do not know if my mind is that strong. As I type that, something deep quietly says “…yes….you will get through it once you’ve come that far…” but I can’t picture it. None of my friends or family are coming with me so once I cross that line, I will be alone. It’s hard to imagine that too. Sitting in the grass, texting people that I did it. It’s very bittersweet to imagine.
I want to write separately about how much I’ve changed since I wanted to do this and now. That’s the bright spot in this entire process. I am strong and don’t need the validation of this goal anymore. But I’m on the hook for it and it feels insane not to see it through after working so hard. In this last month, I hope to make some strides so if I do get on that plane and go through with this, I’ll feel more assured and enthusiastic.