1. Go to Las Vegas. Drink nothing but Diet Coke and milkshakes and eat nothing but EVERYTHING for two days straight. In 108 degrees. Do not rehydrate upon return.
2. Cut carbohydrates post-Vegas to “detox.” This includes detoxifying yourself of all running fuel.
3. Do not drink water before beginning run. Have a Diet Coke and a Larabar. Breakfast of champions. Your handheld water bottle of Nuun will surely make up for any hydration sins. Twitter told you so.
4. Think of the run as “just a ten miler” as though you pop off double digit runs several times a week. It’s basically the same as your usual three mile loop, especially since you did 12 miles last week. Any distance longer than your longest = very short and easy.
5. Start off a minute faster than your comfortable long run pace. It feels great! It will really impress your new Ironman running buddy who was absolutely cool with your previously agreed upon slower pace. Slow down a bit, but not much and hold that pace until you burn through the Larabar. Since running gets easier, the more miles you do, it makes sense to start faster.
6. Don’t eat. Fueling is for gluttonous sissies. It will make you fat.
7. As soon as you feel discomfort, berate yourself mercilessly. The earlier in the run, the better. Spend many miles thinking about how every future run, including all upcoming races will feel exactly like this forever.
8. Don’t bring water for after the run. Embrace post-run nausea and shame.