I remember. . .

. . . regularly sitting down to a 3,000 calorie meal, feeling ill halfway through, and finishing the entire thing anyway.  And ordering dessert.

. . . being the only heavy girl in a friend’s bridal party and feeling like a different species.

. . . believing I was destined to an unhappy life in the wrong body.

. . . settling for whatever pants fit, regardless of how they looked.

. . . realizing that I’d held myself back from auditioning because of discomfort with my physical appearance.

. . . feeling genuinely sorry for my boyfriends.

. . . reluctance to work out for fear that I wouldn’t be as “skinny.”

. . . playing every mental trick in the book to keep myself on the elliptical when I was bored senseless.

. . . tentatively walking upstairs to the weight room at my old gym with absolutely no clue what to do.

. . . believing that no matter how thin I got, I would always have to buy extended calf boots.

. . . psyching myself up to walk 3 miles.

. . . quitting as soon as failure became a possibility.

. . . letting the flimsiest excuses derail my workouts.

. . . trying on a wedding dress I loved (and almost bought) and leaving the store to cry in my car because I felt like it was too sexy for me and that I would look ridiculous.

. . . when burning lungs wouldn’t let me run outside for more than 2 minutes.

. . . having to watch myself in the mirror during my early Dailey Method classes and hating every moment of it.

. . . when running all the way around Lake Merritt without walking seemed permanently beyond my reach.

. . . wanting to punch a woman in class who was comfortable enough to look at her nails during thigh work.

. . . not being able to do a single push-up, even on my knees.

. . . when I would have straight up laughed at the idea of running in shorts or a short skirt.

. . . promising myself a special present when I could make it through an entire Dailey Method class without dropping a single repetition.

. . . considering many, many, many 5k dates and not registering because none of them felt right.

. . . assuming that once I got up to 6 miles in half marathon training, I would have to introduce walk breaks.

. . . gradually realizing that it was time to challenge my history and assumptions.

. . . deciding I wanted to change and proving to myself that it was possible.

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3 thoughts on “I remember. . .

  1. Anna says:

    I`m sorry that you ever had to feel this bad but you are an inspiration for getting up and changing your life! Great job!

  2. Aspire says:

    I definitely recognise most, if not all, of those thoughts. I still have many! Great post- so open! I’ve not run in over a week as been on holidays- very scared as to what will happen this week when I try to move…

    • Shauna says:

      Awww – you’ll be great! It is interesting how a bit of vacation makes us feel like all of our training and hard work has been erased. Not so! 😀

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