I stopped blogging.
I stopped running. I stopped calorie counting.
I stopped living in my home. I stopped wearing my engagement ring.
A month ago, today, I moved out of my house and into an apartment. It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made; one that I went back and forth on about ten thousand times before I actually pulled the trigger. I wish I could say that since I took my own space, I’ve felt empowered and sure of my decision. I wish I could say I felt happy. I can’t say that.
What I *can* say is that during this period of immense chaos, I kept moving. I kept working. I had several “f*ck it” meals (and a few Sourdough Jacks) but I did not attempt to soothe or punish myself with food. When I ate something that made me feel crappy, I didn’t eat it again.
Wanting nothing more than to feel strong and normal, I managed to attend Dailey Method at least a couple times a week. I genuinely wanted to attend class more frequently but the endless Ikea trips and debilitating heartbreak were just too time-consuming. There were moments in class where I would feel my emotions bubbling up. I was so raw that when confronted with something physically demanding, the frustration took the form of tears. Happily, I managed not to let them spill over until I was safely in my car.
I always leave TDM feeling stronger than when I arrived. During the last month, it’s given me a sense of continuity when I was most adrift. It also confirmed that I have fundamentally changed the way I handle crisis. In the many, many, many moments when I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety, all I wanted in the world was to feel BETTER. To feel like myself. I’m thrilled that feeling like myself means feeling strong, inspired, grounded and healthy.