The Hiatus

Hello.

I stopped blogging.

I stopped running.  I stopped calorie counting.

I stopped living in my home.  I stopped wearing my engagement ring.

A month ago, today, I moved out of my house and into an apartment.  It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made; one that I went back and forth on about ten thousand times before I actually pulled the trigger.  I wish I could say that since I took my own space, I’ve felt empowered and sure of my decision.  I wish I could say I felt happy.  I can’t say that.

What I *can* say is that during this period of immense chaos, I kept moving.  I kept working.  I had several “f*ck it” meals (and a few Sourdough Jacks) but I did not attempt to soothe or punish myself with food.  When I ate something that made me feel  crappy, I didn’t eat it again.

Wanting nothing more than to feel strong and normal, I managed to attend Dailey Method at least a couple times a week.  I genuinely wanted to attend class more frequently but the endless Ikea trips and debilitating heartbreak were just too time-consuming.  There were moments in class where I would feel my emotions bubbling up.  I was so raw that when confronted with something physically demanding, the frustration took the form of tears.  Happily, I managed not to let them spill over until I was safely in my car.

I always leave TDM feeling stronger than when I arrived.  During the last month, it’s given me a sense of continuity when I was most adrift.  It also confirmed that I have fundamentally changed the way I handle crisis.  In the many, many, many moments when I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety, all I wanted in the world was to feel BETTER.  To feel like myself.  I’m thrilled that feeling like myself means feeling strong, inspired, grounded and healthy.

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2 thoughts on “The Hiatus

  1. I’m so glad you’re back to blogging and your feeling strong enough to end your post on such a positive note! I wasn’t exactly sure what had happened and didn’t want to pry. I’m sorry it’s been such a hard time. The good times don’t feel as good without the bad times feeling so crappy.

    But on the plus side, even your “f*ck it” meals were just meals, not the entire lifestyle. Not soothing myself with food would have been so hard for me. I’m in awe! It sounds like you found a way to feel some form of good amidst the feelings of total crappy. Hope you find the inspiration to keep blogging! 🙂

  2. I’m sorry to hear about the dissolution of your engagement. What a chaotic time, but I’m glad you’ve found a stronger and better way to get yourself through it. I hope that things settle down for you soon and answers as to why this happened come to you in the best way they can.
    Thank you for sharing with us, and I’m proud of you for changing your life for the better!

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