In fifth grade, my class was learning about the skeletal system.  My teacher, Mrs. Attles, told us that without our skeleton, “we’d just be a big blob of stuff.”  A girl in the class responded:

“Like Shauna.”

Evidenced by my Timeline, I have had a complicated relationship with my self.  My identity was formed around what I believed was the truth:  I was fat and thus, I was wrong.  I was not who I was supposed to be.  I was a disappointment.  I was unlovable.  I was not allowed or able to be happy.

Each time I lost weight, I was elated by the feeling that my life was changing.  That *I* was changing.  Each time I gained weight, it was confirmation that no,  nothing had changed.  Confirmation that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

I lived between two extremes.  On one end of the pendulum was “perfect” behavior:  eating whatever I had currently decided was acceptable (and only that) and working out for the sole purpose of getting skinny.  When I swung in the other direction, it was to large quantities of unhealthy food.  My body would yearn for fruit and I would give it pizza.

Swinging back and forth was beyond demoralizing.  I hated seeing numbers on the scale and wearing outfits that I desperately wanted to leave in the past.  What I didn’t realize was that the momentum was slowing down.  Each time I swung from one side to the other, I didn’t go as far.  I may have moved away from working out but I brought whole grains with me.  During diligent times, it became easier to have an indulgent meal without fear, shame, or a spiral away from health.

* * *

The last time I weighed myself, I was 134lbs.  That is the lowest weight I have been as an adult.  I look and feel like a thin person.  I am one.  But see how I write about “a thin person” as though it’s someone else?  I’ve always believed that the “true” me was someone glamorous and thin.  How strange that in the past, when I came closer to that idealized version of myself, I felt like an imposter.  All of a sudden, I felt like an overweight person in a thinner body.

Now is different.

When I began the 30 Day Challenge, one of my fears was that I would gain muscle, gain pounds and feel like a failure.  I would no longer be on the road to “skinny” and I wasn’t sure how I would feel about that.  Was I still in the mentality that skinny is best? Have I finally grown to value strength and redefined “success?”  I promise to be honest about how I feel when I finally see how my increased strength influences that one number.  Even I’m curious to see my own reaction if this stronger, more solid body happens to be say, 140.  Seeing a loss on the scale feels great.  At this point, I can honestly say that shocking myself with an 8:14 minute mile and getting through a brutal thigh work set at TDM feels better.  I haven’t been on the scale but I am loving my body.  I feel so strong in every way.

It’s stunning.  It’s change.





5 thoughts on “Weight

  1. Kids are so mean. I didn’t know you until 7th grade, but I never thought you were overweight, blobby, or fat. You had boobs! I wanted boobs. :p Of course, it’s all about how you feel about yourself. And I know just what you mean.

    For me, it’s not even that I like the way I look now vs. when I was fatty fatty fat fat. I mean, I do. But it’s more like I reached a level of good enough and then stopped caring if my tummy was perfectly flat or my butt had any kind of shape. Sure, I wish for those things, and I strive for it. But I don’t feel bad about myself for not having it. We look damn good! And we kick butt! I love that empowered feeling the most. 🙂

  2. TJ says:

    Word, girl. This week I was shocked to find myself fitting into my skinny jeans even though I’m 15-20 lbs heavier than the last time I was wearing them — because last time I dieted via WeightWatchers and this time I ran a half marathon and cycled multiple centuries. The change in my body was a byproduct of activity and health. It blew my mind to have such an incorrect mental image of myself that was based on that number… I thought I was 20 pounds away from those jeans! And this heavier me is WAY healthier and apparently looks as good.

  3. […] First, I want to *truly* thank those who read my last post: Weight. […]

  4. […] this post, I made a promise.  I promised that when I got on the scale (after about 20 days without weighing […]

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